Tell me some good one line jokes and put downs?
546946
Bill Clinton: I did not have any sexual relations with that woman!!!!!!
479920
worlds funniest joke:\n\nA couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"\n\ntwas hilarious when i first heard it.\n\ncheck the link below for full details, theres heaps ;) took part in the survey myself (back in da days)\ncheers
923847
LMFAO great jokes!!! Love your sense of humor it is wonderful!!
1073537
Jokes:\nAs seen in a dog's diary:\n\n7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!\n8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!\n9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!\nNoon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!\n2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!\n3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!\n4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!\n6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!\n7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!\n8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!\n9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!\n11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!\n \n\nAs seen in a cat's diary:\n\nDay 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.\n\nI am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.\n------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \nA pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.\n\n(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)\n\nA cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)\n\n(I'm still not over the pig.)\n\nThe male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.\n\n("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!") \n\nThe flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.\n\n(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)\n\nSome lions mate over 50 times a day.\n\n(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)\n\nHumans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.\n\n(What about that pig??)\n---------------------------------------------------------------------------------\nStories:\nAn old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.\nThe man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.\nLater, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."\nThey then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.\nNow they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.\nThe boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the anima
775084
Face like a bulldog liking p*ss off a nettle!\n(if you're talking and you get your words mixed up) - Another spoke like that and i'll have a wheel.\nYou look like the back end of a bus.\nI'll rip off your head and sh*t down your neck.\nYou fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.\n(burp) - Pardon me for being so rude, it was not me it was my food, it just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.\nThere's a party in my pants and you're all invited!
833570
It's about time someone came up with a new blonde joke. This is hilarous. I would have never guessed what she was going to say at the end. Very good. I'll give you a 10 on the scale of 1-10. You also got a thumbs up. Great joke...got any more..?
108947
I have two: I love the second one.\nJoke #1\nA blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"\n\nIn a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."\n\nOur bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"\n\nThe blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."\n-----------\n Joke #2\nTwo women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are\n comparing stories on how they died.\n\n 1st woman: I froze to death.\n\n 2nd woman: How horrible!\n\n 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the\n cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a\n peaceful death. What about you?\n\n 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected\n that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to\n catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by\n himself in the den watching TV.\n\n 1st woman: So what happened?\n\n 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there\n somewhere that I started running all over the house\n looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down\n into the basement. Then I went through every closet and\n checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had\n looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that\n I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!\n\n 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd\n both still be alive.
497031
How about: I was feeding my dog Hooch when my bra stap (on the left-hand side) got caught on the edge of his dog collar (on the right hand side) and whoops! Whoa there! We were suddenly hooked together.\n\nI reached over my right shoulder to try and unhook us when the telephone, which my dog always runs to answer, rang.\n\nIn running towards the ringing sound he ripped my strap and my other bras being in the wash, I decided there and then on the spot to do an impromtu laundering.\n\nWhile the water was running into the laundry machine, the hose connected to the hot-water tap, jerked lose. Hooch had still been attached to the bra when I threw it in the machine and in tugging to get free,  he pulled the washer off it's base and yanked the hot-water connecting hose from its moorings!\n\nThe water flooded my basement, and my soggy-shirted basement tenant, surged out of it and roared, "That's it! That's the last straw! Look what you've done! I was working on my end of year report cards and now they are toast! You will have to stay home today with me and help me rewrite them. After that, you'll have to find a new tenant to help you out with your gambling debts. Didn't anyone ever tell you that betting on Chicken Little to win it all on American Idol was an extremely dumb idea! And even if it wasn't, you didn't have to get me to help you rob a bank to pay off that loser, MacDougald who only made a lucky stab at Taylor in the first place! Heck, MacDougald, hides his money in an old sock under his bed. The last time he was in a bank, you were in diapers! That's enough hiding out for me! This time, I really am going to tell everybody the truth! And I really did go to Cleveland with you guys last summer!"\n\nAnd that's the reason why I've been away all week! It's also the reason I'll never be away again, no, no, no not ever! Except for maybe ..next Tuesday! You see  my tenant died suddenly yesterday, and I've got his funeral to attend next week. By the way, it's in Cleveland.
811979
lol good one thats the best one ive heard today so far ive read your other jokes there lmfao keep them up
1018478
Try these joke sites - www.jokes.com, www.comedycentral.com, www.ahajokes.com.\n\nMight help you.
581570
I like the jokes... but I can only take about 15 minutes of people yelling at me.. calling me retarded or talk spanglish.. \n\nits funny.. in moderation\n\nChris Rock would be the funniest of those you mentioned
555676
yeah OK I have a great 2 jokes for you here but be prepared that they are somewhat well just wrong hehehe ok here we go! enjoy!\n\n#1- A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife,so he went to a psychiatrist,who told him he needed to build self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.\n   After reading the book on the way him,he stormed into the house and declared, "I want you to know I am the man of the house,and my word is law."I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight.THen after dinner,you are going to draw my bath so I can relax ,and when I'm finished with my bath,guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"\n           His wife responded, "THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR."\n\n#2-A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light" NOw does it look like I have a G.E.O Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."\n   Well then,could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WestingHouse written on my forehead? I don't think so"."Fine," She says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break".\n"I'm not a damn Carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!"\n   So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.\nHe starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.As he enters the house,He sees the hall light is working,the fridge door is fixed.\n"Honey, How'd all this get fixed? She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.He offered to do all the repaires,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."\nHe said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "HELLOOOOO..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"\n\n#3- A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.Out of emabarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.\n  A wakening from the anesthesia after the surgery,she found three roses carefully placed beside her bed.Outraged,she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"\n   The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this by yourself."\n   "The second rose is from my nurse.She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."\n   "And what about the third rose?" she asked.\n"Oh,that rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit.He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
1090438
Practical joke for a smile [ something from spencer's ]\nCard for showing you care with something special wrote from you.
382456
Suggestion: write one!!!!
653613
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....
34268
Don't laugh ok?  Really, don't even think about laughing!  I am not funny...I have not jokes, don't laugh---ok- heres a little one but dont laugh!\n\nA guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.\n \n"You talk?" he asks.\n \n"Yep," the Lab replies.\n \n"So, what's your story?"\n \nThe Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I pretty young and I wanted to help the government,\nso I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with\nspies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for\neight years running.\n \n"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed\nup for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening\nin.\n \nI uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm\njust retired."\n \nThe guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.\n \n"Ten dollars." The guy says,\n \n"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"\n \n"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that!"
1006825
Random humour is by far the best!\n\nchocolate pants!