ADults only i have never in a long time been in contact with me dad need advice on hot to get over it.?
550461
I know it hurts you, but just remember that he's the one who has a problem. It's nothing you did, he just has issues in his own head that he doesn't know how to deal with.
184430
I have been in the same situation as you.  My father wouldn't give me any information so I asked other family members what they knew especially the last name and where he lived.  I contacted him and he was glad to finally meet me. Talking will be awkward at first like meeting any new person but take your time and a bond will be formed.  Good Luck
1139373
I cant help you on where to start but I think its good that you want to find your real dad. Since its on your mind you will be a lot more comfortable once you have achieved this.\n\nAs far as will it upset your real dad, this is only if you know how he feels about it. Have you spoken to him about it in the past? IS he aware of how your feeling right now? Sure it could upset him, afterall he has brought you up and even though he may not be your real dad, for him it will feel like he is and rightly so...\n\nbe cautious with how you do it.... if you dont find your real dad, you dont want permanent scars with your current dad because of your quest.\n\ngood luck with it!
491150
This is called anticipatory grief. You realize that you will be losing him some day and you are already trying to cope with the impending reality. This is just one way people cope. Others only grieve after the loss of a person.  As you hinted, you don't want your anticipatory grief to interfere with enjoying him while he is with you now. Knowing that and feeling that are two different things. Do the things that are good for your relationship with him now and feel free to feel your feelings (don't suppress them or be afraid of them) because this is your way of coping. Once you take the taboo off of your feelings and still do the things that make for a full and satisfying relationship with your father in the present, your feelings should start to lessen in intensity.
499172
Try taking a trip, visit people you haven't seen in a while (specially because of him), make new friends, suscribe yourself into some kind of activity you like and read a lot about being co-dependent.  This will help.  Also therapy and being selfish for the first time in your life.
777906
Men, and I am one, frequently experience huge challenges in relating to their estranged offspring, and I am one of those too. I have scarcely any contact with my daughter, and none at all with my son, who are both "grown up". I believe that is ALL my responsibility. I take the view that, having been entirely inadequate as a father to them in their youth, I have no right to impinge myself on them as adults. I would love to be close to both, but don't deserve or expect that to happen. I would love for my daughter, particularly, to keep in touch, because we had reached a level of understanding. She hasn't contacted me for many months, and her mother tells me that's because she has been through some extremely difficult times during the last couple of years, when, incidentally, I have been away (she is now 30, and not at all immature).  But I would LOVE to hear from her - or from my son, whom I have had no contact with for 2 decades. I suppose that what I'm saying is that  I won't contact my kids unless they contact me first, because my, frank, neglect of them when they were younger disallows me that prerogative, but, I do wish they would contact me. It has to be that way round because I would be imposing myself on them otherwise. Write him. Leave a mesage with a friend, Tell him, ever so gently, because he's male, and therefore pretty hopeless at those sorts of things, and may be scared, that you would like to know him better. Maybe he really doesn't want to know, but you won't know that unless you do try, and you will surely kick yourself if you don't. I, with  the very greatest sincerity, and a tear in my eye I am not ashamed of, wish you the very best of best fortune in this matter.
561105
Be sneaky. What is your fathers favorite thing to do? Partake in this activity once a week. He is probably feeling lonely because he thinks you find him to be a burden. Garden together and plat his favorite fruits and veggies!  Take him fishing! Reassure him that you love him and that you are with him because you want to make sure he taken care of. Take him out to eat......\nGet into life together.....\n:)
811936
I understand your situation - grief can make you feel like this, but please don't try to communicate with your father.  At best, it is nonsense to believe that it is possible; at worst, you are liable to become unhealthily focused on this and that can lead to even greater upset.  Try to reconcile yourself to the idea that your father has gone and, if you are a religious person, have faith in the belief that you will see him again.  Grief counselling is a better idea than meddling with the supernatural.  Good luck.
449178
I lost my father 5 years ago and there is never a single day that I do not think about him.\nAt first I was devasted and wondering how I would get over it.\nThen someone who had been through the same experience gave me these simple words of wisdom: "You never get over it. You just get used to it".\nNow I can talk about my dad and nrelate funny or special moments we shared when I was growing up, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, it is quite therapeutic.\nI feel for you and KNOW that things will get easier.Good luck. Kevin UK.
648922
I'm glad to see a lot of supportive letters here (way to go community!)\n\nYou miss your dad.   Stay in touch with those feelings.\n\nHe may not reciprocate your love, and you shouldn't go expecting this -- it will only disappoint you.  But you will probably not forget that you didn't try, if you just do nothing at all.\n\nI think, deep down inside, your dad probably knows he's messed up, but wonders if he'll ever be loved or forgiven.  \nDon't let fear paralyze you.   Pray for him, and pray for strength and wisdom.   And then make small steps.\n\nYou are a special person.   Share your gift of tenderness with him.   And guard yourself from big expectations, though embrace whatever small ones come your way.
644056
Just remember that your grief is for your father and to keep your anger towards your sisters for another place and time.  I lost my father last year, he too had heart surgery and never came out of it.  One of my friends suggested that I write him a letter to help me with my grief.  I was angry at the medical world for letting this happen, I just couldn't get past my anger for a long time.  Tell your Dad in your letter how much you loved him and how you're feeling.  Take your grief, your anger and channel it into something positive for your Dad's sake.  I also planted my Dad's favorite tree in my back yard to remind me of him.  So sorry for your loss.
878131
The strangeness you feel is a little guilt for the fight and feeling like you made him cry.  But you both talked and apologized to each other.  It's all good, Dad's have big hearts, and they're tough to break.  I think it's great he cried, he obviously felt what you're going through.  If a Dad can't be a shoulder to lean on who can be?  Be yourself, give him a hug and tell him you appreciate that he listened.  The talks with him will get easier from now on.  You broke some ice.  You both cleared some air and that's good it may open things up further between the two of you.
635279
just try to creat some small talk about things at home, neighbourhood etc. if he's mad, and you are at fault probably you should apologise. sometimes even its not completely your fault also probably you need to apologies as well. all dads are quite alike, they just want the attention and respect when they come to that age regardless of whether they really deserve it or not.\nif all your effort goes down the drain, let him cool off and try again another day.
855756
Wow...I'm so sorry that your father is acting this way towards you. Since your an adult now, you have a choice to make. Cursing him out, no matter how satisfying that may be, really isn't going to help out your situation. If anything, all it will do, in his little brain,is prove him right. Hopefully your not living with him still. Because you need to on your own if at all possible, to put some distance between the both of you. It's so unfortunate that as someones child, YOU have to act as the 'mature-responsible-adult'. You have to be the one to set the example that his behavior is unacceptable, and your not going to stoop to his very lowly level and reflect what he is doing to you. He sounds like a very bitter man, and again I feel for you and your situation. If your able to find a good counselor to talk to, that may be of great benefit to you to help you work through this crap that he's dumped on you so that you do not feel as though it's your fault or that you deserve to be treated this way. The way a father treats his daughter, will greatly and directly effect the men she chooses to have in her life. I hope you know that you deserve better treatment from men, and that even through all this you still have a choice to make. Man, if I could just have 5 minutes with jerks like that....
673721
time. that's all that works...you can't do something else to take your mind off it, or take a pill or anything. He's your dad. You're going to have to take time to grieve. Do it. It's supposed to happen. After a while it'll get easier, but you won't ever forget.
259640
Oh sweetheart, I know how you feel.  I was in the same situation about 20 years ago.  It is horrible.  The thing that helped me the most was a quotation I discovered by accident.  "Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy".  If the man who reared you has been a father(daddy) in every way, then you are twice blessed.  Know that the decision to not tell you was based on your parents belief that it was the best for you. They loved you and wanted you to feel secure and safe.  \n\nThe anger will go away when you forgive them.  It is an act of will and obedience.  Bring your flesh under control.  Cry out to God in your hurt and let your heavenly father comfort you.\n\nRemember, all things work together for good for them that serve the lord.
793089
Do whatever it takes to fix it.  You always think you have time but you don't.  I waited to even talk to my dad and he died before I could.  We hadn't talked in years and I regret that so much.  Don't let that happen to you, you never know when someone will be taken from your life unexpectedly.