A question for females betrayed by a significant other and jealousy issues?
543333
ugh welcome to my world! its very hard to gain trust again and ive been struggling with that for the past year with my bf. he is amazing and loving and the best person i have EVER met,,, yet i am always testing the waters and trying to catch him out in a lie. it drives ME crazy so i would imagine it makes him feel that way too. \n\none step is realising what you are doing, which has happened because you are here asking the question. trust is sacred and its hard to get it back even tho this is a new person who hasnt hurt you. what im trying to do is, whenever i have those awful 'ghosts from the past' flying around my head, i think about everything great that my bf has said and done, things that are so different from anyone else and make me feel important and loved. it does help but i have to really work at the demons. \n\nim aware that there are no guarantees in life, you never know whats going to happen, but living in the past is not the way to go. there are people out there who would not cheat - you're one yourself so it stands to reason there are others. thats what i tell myself too. i have major jealousy issues because every single one of my exes way back to the teen years cheated on me with a girl they swore was 'just a friend'. i cant stand hearing those words and they make my skin prickle. but that is in my head and in my past. \n\none of my friends just told me that i have to tell myself that i CANNOT LET THE PAST CONTROL ME. all these years i thought i was in control, always on guard, always trying to catch people out in lies, etc etc. i vowed i would never let myself get humiliated again.. but thats where my fault lies - i was looking for it, waiting for it to happen again and letting it control my life. that is not healthy. i am trying to just live day by day and not let those that hurt me in the past CONTINUE to hurt me by infecting my brain and causing me to not trust my bf. if he truly loves me he will not cheat on me... so the message to take from that is tha if he does cheat on me one day, he is not the right person for me afterall and im better off not being in the relationship anymore, no matter how much it hurts. but i dont think about that often either, i think about today and tomorrow and yesterday. and how much love my bf shows me, and little by little its helping me to erase the past.\n\ngood luck! dont let others tell you that you are nuts, its a very hard thing to get over for many people, especially if you were badly hurt in the past and more than once.
308882
I went through this, but the guy cheated on me. I still have anger for him, which happened a little over 3 years ago, my current boyfriend though the same way your girlfriend is think about the anger. You need to tell your girlfriend that you have anger built up towards her because what she did was wrong and you can't forgive her for that. But one thing I do suggest is that when your around your girlfriend don't mention anything about your ex cheating on you, pretend you don't even know who she is now. It is hard but trust me it pays off in the long run. I know don't even think about my ex cheating on me, because I love my boyfriend now and I'm happy with him. Just talk to your girlfriend and tell her exactly how you feel about the whole situation.
954924
You should be asking him not people here. If you have not asked him, why not? Is his actions really that bad? Sounds like you are slightly jealous, but why? Do you feel he is attempting to impress another female?\n\nOther than being jealous I don't see a motive for this being a huge issue.
565834
Personally, when I found myself in this very predicament, I made a conscious decision to approach the situation from an honest, adult perspective and expressed my concerns to both my friend and my boyfriend. \n\nBecause I trust my boyfriend, I explained how uncomfortable my friend's behaviour toward him made me, and asked that he help me by not reacting positively to her flirting. He was happy to do so, because he found her behaviour just as inappropriate as I had.\n\nI explained to my friend, privately, that, although I value her friendship, her flirting behaviour toward my boyfriend made me uncomfortable and was jeopardising the future of our friendship. I asked her to tone herself down and respect my feelings. When I discovered that she could not oblige me that, then I did, and still do, my utmost ensure that my boyfriend and my friend spend the least amount of time together as possible. It doesn't mean I don't see either of them less frequently, I just don't see them at the same time anymore.\n\nIt may be that my friend is jealous of the fantastic relationship between my boyfriend and me, and either consciously or not, wants us to split up so that I may be as miserable as she is in the relationship department... who knows. \n\nEither way, the key is to remain adult in your thoughts, and not give in to the childish part of yourself that goes "OMG what a b*tch I can't believe she's trying to steal my boyfriend I'm going to make her pay" or similar, and to trust the man you love.
284186
Your girlfriend is scared that you will leave her. Have you been unfaithful in the past? This is feeding her fear. You should not change your feelings about honesty and openness, this is a good thing in a healthy relationship. If you told her the information in an arrogant way, then you may be creating this situation yourself. But, if you were diplomatic and caring when you told her, then the problem is hers, not yours. If her lack of trust is annoying you or getting you down, then think about ending the relationship as arguments will only feed her insecurities and make the situation worse. If you love her enough to keep reassuring her and you can do this without changing yourself, then stay with her until the jealousy subsides. But be aware that it will always be around.
4110
Not knowing the details, it is tough to answer, but there are various types of women out there, and for some, trust is everything. If you did enough to make her leave you, it must have been pretty bad. I would assume (since I don't know the circumstances) that either there have always been trust issues, or that your infidelity (of whichever type) was long standing and ongoing, and so she felt betrayed. In both cases, I don't know if there is anything you could do. If she left because of pure emotional reaction, you might have a chance, but if it was an intellectual decision, it is not likely to work. Emotion can be reasoned with - an overreaction can be dealt with, but logic is usually rock solid.  You could offer therapy for you both, however if you are already 'divorced', it seems a little too final to try that. Apologies alone won't really get you anywhere. Not much of an answer, but without any details, it's the best I've got. My main advice though is to know when to give up. Some battles can't be won. At some point, you might have to just count your losses, consider this an expensive learning experience, and don't make the same mistake next time.
139750
Not really, she is 3 states away though. I feel confident he loves me, so it is all good. As to if I was the one that the jealousy was directed at, I imagine I would feel fairly apathetic or maybe even a little sorry for the girl who couldn't just feel good about herself.
705643
I didn't cheat but my ex-husband did. I guess that tells you how it ended. When we went to my parents house to spend weekends he was sneaking out with my younger sister after I fell asleep. My sister confided in my brother and my brother confided in me in return. So my loss was my jerk of a husband(no big loss) and the love of my sister(big loss). We do talk (now) but we will never be best friends as sisters should be. I did forgive her but I will never trust her again but she did open my eyes to what was going on behind my back not only with her but with several other girls where we lived I came to find out later.
158709
She did something she knew was deceptive and against your will. She\n\nthen misled you and was deceptive about it once you caught on. She\n\nflat-out lied about her actions and tried to make out as if it were\n\nyou who was in the wrong and had a lack of understanding (a\n\ngenerational thing that you aren’t able to comprehend).\n\n\n\nShe says Jeff is “easy to talk to” and that he’s “a great listener” –\n\nmajor red flag\n\n\n\nYou made your value of honesty perfectly clear and yet she\n\nintentionally betrayed that in spite of your openness of how much it\n\nmeant to your relationship.\n\n\n\nI find your statement here perplexing:\n\n\n\n“I personally think it’s a bit weird for a guy to be calling a girl\n\nwho has a boyfriend every day, but I also don’t’ want to treat my gf\n\nlike a child.”\n\n\n\nI don’t. \n\n\n\nYour “girlfriend” is acting childish but you don’t want to treat her\n\nlike a child. She has given you every reason to question her integrity\n\nyet you insist on being more permissive. You wonder how a guy (which\n\nshe admittedly feels so comfortable being with and confiding in) would\n\ncall on a girl who has a “boyfriend”. Dude, in my opinion, HE is her\n\nboyfriend too. Is it really that unclear? My guess is that YOU are\n\nprobably NOT her “boyfriend” in HIS mind, but YOU are merely an\n\nobstacle (she never mentions you and he never asks about you) . It\n\nwould seem, on it’s face at least, that she may feel the same way (why\n\nwould she be honest about this too when she found it so easy to lie\n\nabout everything else). The fact remains that she encourage, or at\n\nleast welcomes, his advances which she KNOWS FOR A FACT are totally\n\nagainst your will and undisputedly outside the parameters of trust\n\nthat the two of you have agreed upon for your relationship (in view of\n\nher previous lies about Jeff).\n\n\n\n“she says ‘she thinks about him all the time, and misses him. She’s\n\ndepressed that she can’t see him.”\n\n\n\nI’m not trying to belittle you or suggestion that you are less than\n\nintelligent because I know how love clouds the mind. But, c’mon big\n\nfella; you need to wake up because as hard as this is to swallow, in\n\nmy opinion you’re being had.\n\n\n\n“She says that maybe I don’t trust her, and she can’t spend the rest\n\nof her life with someone who can’t trust her, and she knows I feel the\n\nsame way.”\n\n\n\nShe KNOWS you don’t trust her and she KNOWS you don’t want to be with\n\nsomeone you can’t trust. It kinda makes one wonder if she’s not trying\n\nto help you dump her by continuing to give you reason after reason to\n\nnot trust her, doesn’t it? See what I mean? I don’t think she “feels\n\nbad” because she doesn’t “want to make you upset”, she feels bad\n\nbecause she KNOWS it makes you upset and she KNOWS that isn’t right –\n\nbut she still does it, doesn’t she?\n\n\n\nI find it odd that you think it “might” be ok that she doesn’t tel you\n\nall these little details about her relationship with this guy but that\n\nshe obviously tells him all the little details of her relationship\n\nwith YOU (if you’re not aware, intimate talk is what “easy to talk to”\n\nand “a good listener” often represent). You’re not seeing the two of\n\nthem discuss YOU because he probably already knows more than he cares\n\nto know already.\n\n\n\n>>>Do I let her keep meeting him as long as she’s honest with me about\n\nmeeting him?\n\nYou may not have a choice anymore.\n\n\n\n>>>Should I be worried? \n\nYou bet.\n\n\n\n>>>Do I tell her that she can’t be his friend and my boyfriend at the same time? \n\nYes, you can, but you risk losing her if you do. \n\n\n\n\n\n>>>Can I honestly, in good faith, tell her who she can and can’t be friends with? \n\nYou know what – you can (sort of). In a mature relationship everyone\n\nknows what the rules are. You
676351
DO FOR OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO FOR YOU......!!!\nI mean if you had a boy/girlfriend dear to you who's cheating behind your back,would you like your friends to keep it secretly from you ? Dont think so.\nFor me I would definitly more than just tell him/her the truth, I would kick that cheaters butt all the way to kingdom come......NO KIDDING
18455
You may not be able to.  But you will definitly need to stop being so insecure in yourself and be confident in your partner- they want to be with you for a reason not someone else.  I havefound that jealousy is a sign not only of insecurity in yourself but a lack of respect in her character. If your girl cheats on you she cheats on you and you move on.  Not everyone is meant to be together forever.
424140
There's no legitimate reason for someone to be jealous if they know the other person really loves them. Insecurity combined with physical violence is the number one reason romances fail. If he hits you once - leave. Otherwise make sure he knows there is no competion - for now at least.
1008495
It's totally understandable.. honestly, i think it's kinda cute that she feels jealous about it.. =) just be even moooore sweet with your gf, and don't stop telling her that your just acting, that that has absolutely nothing to do with feelings or attraction towards the other girl, that its just your job to make it look real.. that she is the ONLY one! =)
1099499
Gurly-Q, I will pray for you!! I too was lied to, betrayed, and deceived over and over for 6 years with my EX. Keyword is EX! You can only be hurt by this man and others like him. Once you decide to no longer be afraid that a better man won't come down the pike, you will be able to move on. I decided I would rather be alone for the rest of my days than listen to another lie and be expected to believe it and instill that trust back to him. I know being single sucks but it also rocks! You can go on several dates in a week if you want and YOU call the shots! My mom once told me, "With one of these (indicating female anatomy), you have the power and can get as many of those (men) you want." Take back your power, babygirl. The next time you go on a date, look for signs that he is a deceiver. Ask pointed questions and be upfront about things you are not looking for. I, too, have thought things would be easier if I dated women...but it's still a relationship. If you really love women, go for it, babe. But, if you absolutely love men, you can't let this make you bitter toward them and start batting for a team you don't feel 100% part of. Also, I think every girl out there that hasn't just settled for a guy has been through this...you are so not alone. My heart really does go out to you, sister in misery!
743044
I don't think that sounds like cheating at all; however, I can totally see why you would feel jealous because I'd feel that way if I had a gf like that! I think that they just happen to have very similar schedules, so they tend to be around each other a lot. Unless he constantly talks about how amazing she is all the time, or goes completely out of his way to make plans with her instead of being around you, then I'd start to worry and ask him what's going on. Until then, I don't think you need to feel threatened.
89804
Jealousy is a heck of a demon to fight. Start maybe with trusting yourself and then your man. As trust is one of main cornerstones of a relationship. Sometimes jealousy is warranted, does he flirt alot when you are right there? That can be uncomfortable. Let him know what he is doing, if he does that and how it makes you feel like a piece of garbage, that he pays attention to another when you are right there. Then again some guys are born flirters and heck they don't even know they are doing it until they get in over their heads and someone takes them seriously.. Your self confidence, is by far the most important thing and has nothing to do with jealousy. It is believing in yourself, your dreams and ideals. It really isn't all that difficult and though so many will try to knock you down in life, you just have to get right back up and know that you are who you are and if they don't like it to friggin bad.\n To many are falling for this idea that there self confidence is no good, it is a way to get you into therapy. There are alot of great websites that will just give you a thought a day. It is thinking positive, yeah negative stuff is going to happen, but you know you can pull through it and that is what counts. Never let anyone tell you different
973456
They are probably telling you that because they love you and they can see you are hurting.   Hell yeah, you have every right to be angry.  Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.  It nips at the core of your self esteem, it tells you that you are not good enough.  It doesnt matter whether it was a mistake or not because things do happen in the heat of the moment and mistakes still get made, but it doesnt change how the person who is being cheated on feels about themselves.  I guess the big question is....do you still love her?  That is the hardest part to get over and it is going to take a bit more time than 2 weeks to get her out of your head and your heart.  Depending on how much you loved her will determine how long you will grieve for.  And you do grieve when you lose someone you love.  Just know that not all girls/women are the same...so dont carry her betrayal into another relationship....treat it as brand new....you have to trust because your next girlfriend is not the old girlfriend and you dont want to start any relationship off badly because of the things that happened to you with someone else.  Distrust and jealousy is the quickest way to lose someone....so you need to come to terms with what has happened and when you are done grieving, move on and leave what she did where it belongs....in the past.\n\nI hope it wont take you long until you start to trust again.  Try to not blame yourself....it was not your fault she cheated...it was just the relationship was not meant to be...she was not the girl for you.\n\nI hope you feel better soon....You wont always feel angry.  With time you will just put it down to experience.