A man walks into a bar...?
449431
A pirate walks into a bar the bartender says to him,"hey buddy you got a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper"? The pirate replys, 'AAAARRRRR and its driving me nuts"!
465862
let the man upstairs decide
72075
He pees in your drink? I have no clue... what is it?
1087757
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.\n\nThe bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"\n\n"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."\n\nWith that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
112228
I think that this man has somehow escaped from a mental hospital.  \nI think the only one who will open up this door for him would be this guy I know named Levi, he will take this poor man back to the mental hospital and OPEN the door for him to have a good nights sleep!!! \nAwww Levi is sooo nice!
690044
so they can get to the bar........
254172
break into the building
685770
She probally does not want to make the mistake of not knowing who you are at the bar. She may just want to see you first before she goes anywhere with you. Just come up to the door and make sure you open the car door for her. Don't worry so much if she wants more then she will let you know, trust me. Good luck.
136036
MY GUESS, HE IS A MAN!!!!
208574
Get him hammered.  He might not admit it while sober becaue he  might be too afraid.  Remember "A drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts"
724840
Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00\nbetween them.\nLarry said, "Hang on, I have an idea"\nHe went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.\nBob said, "Are you crazy??? Now we don't have any money left at\nall!!"\n>Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."\n>\n>They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.\n>Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"\n>Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"\n>They downed their drinks.\n>Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you geto on your knees and put it in your mouth."\n>Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.\n>\n>They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"\n>Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the\n>third pub!"
1161193
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
567034
A ham & cheese sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "We don't serve food here."\n\nA skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.\n\nA gay man is walking up to a crowed bar and says to another patron, "May I push your stool in?"\n\nA baby Harp seal walks into a club. Freaking tragedy.
1008224
In some establishments, there's a collection of Cologne in the restrooms. \n\nShe's saying he's probably pouring about $3 worth of it on himself for the new woman.
154470
Guy walks into a bar, and asks about a tough ass compition, the bar tender pipes up and tells him what he has to do, "go punch the guy in the corner out in one punch, then go into the back room and pull out the gaurd dogs loose tooth, then satisfy the woman that no man can satisfy in the room next to the room with the dog." the man says, OK , i can do that, he gets really drunk then, punches the guy out in one punch, goes in the back room where we hear the dog growel then bark, and screach in pain, then the mand comes out, and asks the bar tender "wheres the girl who needs her tooth pulled?"\n\n\nnext,,,\n\n\na man walks into a sex shop with a duck under one arm, adn asks the lady who is working the front desk "I need something, but i have no money all i have is this duck" the lady says " hmm ok, ill have sex with you if you give me the duck" so the man agrees, and gives the lady the duck, they have sex, and when they are done, the lady says "wow that was great! if you have sex with me again, ill give you your duck back" so he thinks great! and agrees, they have sex, and the man leaves with his duck as he crosses the road with his duck following behind, he hears a sqashing sound as a car rolls over his duck, the man in the car jumps out and appologizes, he feels so bad, he gives the man who lost his duck a cheque for 1000 dollars, as the man is walking away, he thinks to himself, ' wow, i had a good day, i got a fuck or a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a thousand dollars for a fucked up duck'\n\nnext...\n\na woman walks into a petstore and looks for a pet for her husband who has always wanted a pet, he sees puppys for 500, kittys for 300, rabbits for 100, well, she wasnt looking to spend so much, so she asks the man at the front desk if he has any... cheaper, he says, "yes, we have a bull frog, one catch though! he gives b l o w j o b s!" the lady assumes he is jokeing, she buys the frog, and walks out, later that night she is awoken to crashing and banging in the kitchen, she runs downstairs and finds her husband, the frog, and pots and pans all over the kitchen she asks "what in the hell is going on?" her husband replies "Fuck, if i can teach this thing how to cook your gone!"\n\nnext\n\na man calls into work sick, he says, "my head hurt, my stomach hurt, my legs hurt, my arm hurt, i can no come to work today!" his boss tells him "this always works for me, when i feel sick i go home and have sex with my wife!" the sick man replies "Ok i try that!" and hangs up the phone.. \n1 hour later....\nthe man calls into work and says "thank you i feel great now! that really works! ill come into work very soon, you can expect me by noon, Oh, by the way, you have a very nice house!"\n\nnext..\n\nWhats green and smells like pork?\n\n"stimrik regnif" (--- he words are spelt backwards as not to spoil the answer.\n\nNext\n\nwhat do you call a lesbian dino?\nLick-a-lotta-pus\n\nwhat do you call a gay dino?\nMega-sore-arse\n\nI SPENT A LONG TIME ON THIS, UNLESS YOU GET A BETTER ONE PLEASE VOTE MINE THE BEST SO I CAN GET TO LEVEL TWO WITH MY POINTS!
787420
A priest, a pedophile and a homosexual go into a bar - he orders a beer ...
986314
A man walked into a bar, ordered 3 glasses of strong whisky, each glass one third full. He drank the first glass, loitered for a while, then drank the second & ten minutes later the third, after which he left quietly. Since that day, he would turn up every evening going through the same drinking ritual. One evening, the bartender said to him, “You know, I could serve you with just a full glass of whisky rather than 3”. The man said, “ Oh! The other two glasses are my brothers’. They have migrated & I’m drinking on their behalf”. Then one evening ,the man ordered only 2 glasses. The bartender asked sympathily, “One of your brothers passed on?” “Oh no!” came the reply, “It’s just that I have given up drinking.”