Funny stories and jokes, got any (best answer get 10 points)?
438200
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. \nBefore the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. \n\nWhen the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. \n\n"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." \n\n"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. \n\nThe cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." \n\n"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
525560
I was 16 and meeting my girl's large family for the first time. We were standing around jabbering when I decided to tell a joke (I'm an OK joke teller). It went off really well. My girl, by way of congratulating me, slapped me on the back, which prompted the second loudest fart in western history. (As I write this I am turning just as red as that day.)
809204
I actually got that one! LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!!!!! Can you e-mail some other jokes to me like that one? my address is dogloverkm@yahoo.com   thanks!
1183872
Read this joke for a change.....\n\nA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.' The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. \n\nThe husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.' \n\nThey walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.' They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' \n'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.' the husband replied.\n\n'No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.' \n\n'OK, great!' the husband said. ' I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem - it's the least I could do. \n\nAnd you, what do you want?' the genie said, looking at the wife. 'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said. 'Consider it done.' the genie replied. 'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said. \n\n'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love to a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.' The husband looks at the wife and said, 'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.' The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway?'\n'35.' she replied. 'And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing.'
783820
Tee hee.... Nice one..... That made me laugh
949951
Very nice one one, I loved it......I am rolling on the fllor right now. I just called up my brither and told him the same joke.
892716
Here's one for you:\nThere's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs." \n\nHere's another:\nTwo men are sitting at a bar, one turns to the other and says:"I f*cked your mom."\nThe bar goes silent as everyone looks at the two men to see what is going to happen.\nOnce again, the first man repeats:"I f*cked your mom."\nTo which the other man replies:"Shut up dad, you're drunk."
108947
I have two: I love the second one.\nJoke #1\nA blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"\n\nIn a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."\n\nOur bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"\n\nThe blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."\n-----------\n Joke #2\nTwo women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are\n comparing stories on how they died.\n\n 1st woman: I froze to death.\n\n 2nd woman: How horrible!\n\n 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the\n cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a\n peaceful death. What about you?\n\n 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected\n that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to\n catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by\n himself in the den watching TV.\n\n 1st woman: So what happened?\n\n 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there\n somewhere that I started running all over the house\n looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down\n into the basement. Then I went through every closet and\n checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had\n looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that\n I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!\n\n 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd\n both still be alive.
929334
i hope this joke can make you laugh\n\nA little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.\nThe son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"\n\nThe mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."\n\n"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.\n\n"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.\n\n"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
747824
lol good ones \n\ni was talking to my friend and i asked her " do you know why it's considered bad to drink and drive?" \nshe said "because you might crash nito someone when you're drunk and whatnot"\nand I was relating ti to one of you jokes and I said in a calm voice.." uhh...no" she said why i said still in a calm voice " cause you might spill your drink duh" \n\nso she was drinking soda and spit it out all over the plave ugh \nlol sorry it was long =] but thanks fro the jokes
1105406
Okay, this one isn't all that funny, but it made my grandpa laugh:\n\nSo, the wife says to her husband "Dearest, since you're out of work, we've been a bit strapped financially. I think we need to go on a budget." And the husband says "Why?" The wife answers "Well, you spent fifty dollars on beer last week." To this the husband replies "That's funny. You spent fifty dollars on Avon last week." The wife comes back "Well, I need that stuff so that I can look and smell nice for you." The husband retorts, "Yeah, well after I drank that beer, you sure did look nice."
117201
http://jokes123.com\nhttp://flash-jokes.com\nhttp://spicyjokes.com\nhttp://www.google.com/search?q=jokes
696857
Thanx i needed a laugh!\n1 for u.\n\nA pigs ear\nRecently a man lost his ear, and it was replaced by doctors with a pigs ear. \nThey trimmed it down a bit and made it look humanly before attaching it. Few weeks later and the man goes back to the Doctor and says: \n"Doctor, i keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in." \nTo which the doctor replies: \n"Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling"
969181
Yeah, I laughed at that one too.  But I laughed better at your answer to the Jingle Bells question. lol\nI love your jokes and stories.  Keep up the good work.
1043700
hehehe...i like your jokes, they are giving me a good laugh for today!
228046
SORRY IF YOU'VE SEEN ME POST THIS ELSEWHERE\n\nThis is a long one, but worth it:\n\nThis guy goes into a bar after a promotion to celebrate with his buddies. Aftr a few drinks he notices, behind the bar, a big jar stuffed with $50 bills, so he asks the bartender about it.\n\nThe bartender replies, "Oh that's just a running bet we have here. You gotta pay $50 into the pot and if you complete 3 tasks, you win the whole jar. As you can see, no one has ever won."\n\nAfter a few more beers and 2 shots of Tequila, the man announces in a slightly tipsy voice, "Screw it, I just got a raise. I can afford to lose $50!" and he slams a $50 on the bar. "OK. What do I gotta do?"\n\n"Well," says the bartender "like I said, there are 3 tasks. First you gotta finish a whole bottle of our homemade 200 proof Fire Water, after that you gotta help my pit bull tied up out back. He's got a sore tooth and you have to go pull it out for him. If you survive THAT, you have to go upstairs and pursuade the landlady upstairs to have sex with you. She's a virgin and she's 106 years old. Raping her is obviously out of the question."\n\n"Fair enough" said the half-drunk man. The alcohol coursing through his veins had emboldened him. "Gimme that Fire Water!" And lo and behold, he managed, to everyone's shock to finish the whole bottle without pause. \n\nBarely able to keep the contents of his stomach down, he was turned and nudged, by the astonished bartender in the direction of the back door, where the dog was tied up outside. The man stumbled drunkenly through the door and bravely slammed it closed behind him. A fierce barking, accompanied by breaking glass, garbage cans smashing, yelling and groaning erupted outside. After a minute or so of this racket, a loud dog yelp, followed by it's whining was heard.\n\nShortly afterwards, the man stumbled back through the door, his clothes torn, blood dripping from multiple bite wounds and looking like he'd been hit by a truck.\n\nThen demanded in a drunken slurred voice, "OK. NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD LADY WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!!"\n\nI'll take my 10 points now.
411237
let me hear some. beyotch!\nGIVE ME THE 10 POINTS ANYWAYS!