RE:Handling abusive men.....I'm 52 years old. Starting over with a new life seems like a grim option.?
449820
LEAVE HIM -- you owe it to yourself to find a happier life.  Don't think that you are too old or that you have invested too much time in this relationship.  Don't let him talk down to you or intimidate you into not leaving.  He's the coward and he's trying to take his insecurity out on you.  The transition period won't be easy, but once you are away from him, you will look back and be glad that you ended it.  Better things are in store for you.  Good luck.
1114076
i don't think that there is anything that anyone on here can tell you that you don't already know.you aren't going to "leave him"untill you are ready to. and unfortunetly it may take something really hurtful for you to do it.\n       i was with an abussive man for a little over a year. i loved him to death though. when he wasn't hitting me, and verbally abusing me, kicking down my door, and cheating on me, he was very funny and "loving." he was and still is the only person who can really make me laugh, but he's also the only one who can really make me cry. i put up with a lot for that year or so, and people told me to leave him alone. even the police told me to leave him alone. but i couldn't. i loved him and i knew that he would  "change." \n        one day we were arguing and he hit me down to the floor and just began kicking me in the back and stomach. that's when i realized that he actually didn't love me. he just wanted to controle me. and he was able to do that by being "super sweet" so if i ever had a doubt, i could also think of something sweet that he had done( which of course meant that he loved me). by the end of that relationship, my body would literally shake at the sight of him. even to this day, a little over a year later, if i see him walking on the street i'm terrified.\n     i don't know, all i'm saying is we can't make your decisions for you. you have to look at your future... do you see it getting better? worse? staying the same? and figure out whether that is what you want for the rest of your life. i would have married that man, if he had asked me to, i loved him that much. but if i would have, my life would be a living hell.
1181384
I was once in the same situation for 10 years...I was verbally abused as well as physically abused...we had 2 children...in 60's we had no place to escape to...I eventually was given a way out.....our son is in prison because of his painful childhood....so I do know where you are coming from...people should never stay in an abusive relationship "For the Children" they are suffering that abuse with you....\nAs far as the healing...well its been nearly 28 years since I got out of that marriage...I have anger problems....I have memory loss... I have anxiety and post traumatic stress syndrome...but I have been holding out pretty good...healing takes time...I am still healing...one thing I did learn from all this...Men who do this sort of thing have a complex...they look to you as above them so in order to bring you to THEIR level they have to over power you enough to make themselves feel better about themselves..just hang in there...go forward don't look back....get a journal and write down your feelings..it really helps...and sometimes its better than trying to explain it to people who have never been there...time heals all wounds...but for some...it just takes a lot of time....let me know ...been there...done that...
162069
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time.  I am also estranged from an abusive father, and I dont know how I would feel if he died.  I think about this all the time.  Perhaps the issue is that you never got a chance to resolve your situation with him.  Perhaps you're still waiting to hear him say 'I'm sorry'.  Or, more likely, you're not necessarily mourning for him, but for the father you never had and truly deserved.  I mourn for this all the time.
567630
Been right where you are and I certainly feel your pain.  Truth is I did take him back only to be broken yet again. We have been apart for three years now and my life is so much better while he is still up to his same tricks of abusing the next one. Alcoholic behavior and tendencies will not change.  10 months is certainly not long enough to heal old wounds he has.  There is a better life...I found one.  You and your children deserve to be treated with love and respect, not something to be knocked around or controlled in any manor.  I wish you all the best.
578786
i was in your almost same situattion i was 17 (pregnant) he was 31. I lived in Nh i ran away to NYC. He got very possesive than that turned to abuse. Go back to your family, you dont knpw what you are putting them through. Atleast let them knoe that you are ok to let them know you are alive. I did see my mom for year & half & she wasnt mad please let them know you are ok. Do you know what its like to have the FBI contact your family saying they have a teenage girl that matches their daughters description. well thats what happened to my mom & i regret the hell i put her through. If i could only do it over. I now have a daughter & hope she never puts me through what i put my mom through.\nremember family is forever. please go back & if you need anyone to talk to email me.
634395
Honey it is time to step and ask yourself do you want to life like this. He is not only abusive but controlling. It will not get any better................
985852
My parents got divorced and it was the best thing they could have done for us. I also am divorced and have two children. Their father and I co-parent very successfully because we got out of it before we turned hateful. I knew that it was enough when he would come home and I felt like my day just got shot down the tubes. Life is too short to be with someone who is not right for you. Try to discuss it when he is sober. Try counseling for yourself as an individual first, then suggest it for family therapy. If that does not work, then at least you tried and you know that you are doing the right thing.  It is a difficult decision, but just try to think if this is the man who you want to be with for every day of the rest of yoiur life. There may be someone else better suited for each of you and you will not be able to pursue that until you straighten out things for yourself first. Good luck with this sweetie, I know it is hard, but you can do it !
1156045
You don't need to be in that kind of marriage, you can do better than that, take pride in yourself, and get out, get away from him, because he may be emotionally abusive right now, but it can turn to physical abuse later, and then it may be too late to get out except by way of a coffin, please, don't make the same mistake I did, I left only after my ex- cut my throat with a piece of barb wire wrapped around my throat, and shot a double barrel shotgun off by my left ear(hard hearing in that ear now) in front of our children.  I thank God for nosy neighbors, that heard everything and called the police, so, I send out praise to all the nosy neighbors in Manchester, Tennessee.   Get out now while you can, ask a friend to help you get out, or you can call the domestic violence shelter, and ask them to help you,, don't become a VICTIM of domestic Violence, be a SURVIVOR.  Best of luck to you and God Bless, I will keep you in my prayers.
665040
My abusive ex.  I won't go into details but the physical and mental damage done by this man is something I carry with me all the time.  Because of him I cannot have children and underwent 5 surgeries to fix the physical damage.  The paranoia I deal with on a daily basis because he has not been caught can be crippling at times, to the point I get afraid to go outside or go anywhere alone.  I cannot trust people like I used to nor do I let people close to me anymore, except a very select few.  It's left a feeling in me that seems to say people will suck you in by acting nice then they will turn on you like a rabid dog once you are sucked in and let your guard down.  I know, realistically, that isn't the case but it has left that feeling.  No, I'm not over this yet but I am working on it.  It just takes time to undo the damage done.  But it did take part of me and who I used to be away and I will never be able to get that back.
628544
although i wasn't abused as a child, i had a terrible experience when i was a teenager, i was date raped. i understand what you're going through and i know it hurts alot but you need to find the strength to move on with your life. anger and hate won't take you anywhere, it'll just make you bitter and it won't give you peace. i know what i'm talking about cuz i too dwelled on with my past for the longest time and i almost ruined my life. \ndon't worry though, better days is just around the corner, you just have to hold on and work on to getting well again my friend.\ni'll pray for your recovery!\nGod speed\n\np.s.\ntry to read this book: your past does not define your future by bo sanchez (this book is published in the philippines). this book has really helped me alot.
558110
I am thinking that he's become abusive because he really isnt back to where he was....in his eyes.  And that would be something that HE needs to deal with.  Perhaps he needs some counseling on how to do that.  If that is impossible than it may be time for you to return to MT to have some form of life for yourself. But in there, you too should have some outside help, sot that you can release any feelings of guilt. I can certainly understand your frustration.  He seems no longer the person that you orginally married. However, that's not abnormal either.  We all change, both mentally & physcially, thus the high divorce rate.  I sincerly wish you luck in finding yourself again. Please include YOURSELF in your care giving! :)
742274
I hate to be the one to break the news to you but, I have no choice. I have felt exactly what you're talking about. There will come a breaking point where you decide whether you want to live in the present or die in the past. I'm sure you've had your share of sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. But you have the power if you take it back to pick up the pieces and move on. You may never be the same, but why would you want to be anyway? Hasn't this guy wasted enough of your life and taken enough of it away? I promise if you just get up and put your feet on the floor and walk out into your life it won't be long before all this just feels like a dream you had long ago. Get out, be seen, find better, move on.
16384
I have been in this kind of situation and got out of it safely and successfully. First of all, don't let him know you are thinking about leaving. It will only put you into greater danger. If possible, move every important document or anything else he might use to blackmail you to a safe place beforehand. Don't worry much about taking things that can be replaced. You should also be prepared to move to an area where you are not likely to run into him. Be prepared to change a job. When you move, keep your phone number unlisted and get a p.o. box for the first year. Or talk to a domestic violence councelor about getting a substitute address if you think he would be willing to go a great distance to find you. Making sure that he can't find you is the most important thing for your safety. If you plan to stay with relatives, choose someone distant, if possible, someone who he wouldn't think you'd go to and hopefully, you have someone whose address he doesn't know. Just lie low for a while until you get yourself together (it will be a hard emotional time), and then you can file for divorse and hopefully full custody of your child. A restraining order should help in your custody battle. It's very important that he has no custody because then you would have to keep seeing him and it would put you into danger. But there are plenty of ways for you to get away from him and there are many laws that will help you to make sure that your information is kept secret from him. You can go to a domestic violence shelter and they will be able to answer your legal questions. I got out of that situation, and now I am with the most wonderful man in the world. You can do the same! Believe me, you deserve much-much better!
475891
Well he is stepping up the control and the abuse. Almost like testing the waters so to speak. He seeing how much he can get away with. He may have realized he took it too far, and my regret his actions. Unless he gets help he is not going to change.  You will change though.  Each time he abuses you he is taking apart of your soul. You won't even realize it. Before you realize your entire life will be based on his reactions. The cycle of abuse is hard to stop. The only thing you can do at this point is get out while you still can.
522048
well i have a horrible past! and i built up walls to it. but i have recently found out that to move on from it---i had to break them down and deal with it---now i can move on from it! if you have never had a bad past, you can never fully understand how it effects your present! agree???? well life for me is better! but i have such a tendency to look for trouble and heartache...i guess it is still in me to live a troubled life......
725577
Yes, I was in a marriage very similar to that, and my ultimate goal was to leave also, but I did the same thing as u and that was to try to save the money to leave so I could survive on my own but u know what, it was the worst mistake. The longer I stayed the more of my self-respect and self-worth I lost. I became a shell of myself. I couldn't handle it anymore and I prayed that I recieve the strength and courage to find the right words to say and the strength I needed to walk out the door without turning back. Within 2 days the words were coming out of my mouth without effort and I had the strength I had never had before. He flipped out and tryed to intimidate me to stay with him, but I left anyhow. I left with no job and no money, but u know what u survive. Friends and family were there to help me as they would u too. You can rebuild materialistic things and money but it's very difficult to rebuild self-worth. It's been 3 years since this happened to me and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. My only regret is that I waited so long to do it, and put my self through more abuse then I needed to. Money and stability doesnt bring happiness........that will come in time. Don't waste anymore of your life on this person. Good luck and I wish u the best.