On the toilet, what's the best way to muffle a fart in a quiet house?
92318
don't muffle-that would be wrong-let the fart live and do what it was went meant to do!then when you are done, hold your head high and walk out of the bathroom with pride!
938767
Wait until you get a fart that's really hard to push out.  That way when it does come out, it has some serious speed to it.  Faster air produces higher notes, regardless of where the air is coming from.
1003655
Try installing a buffing wheel next to the toilet. You might find it has other uses, too...
217829
a cork... or charcoal biscuits... or stick her outside in the cold, so you can neither hear nor smell them anymore = NOT YOUR PROBLEM lol!!!
440898
The bathroom is the most appropriate place to fart
1010774
If you can burp silently without alerting the surrounding people, burp where you are. \n\nIf you burp every 5-10 minutes you have a medical problem and you need to adjust what you are eating or drinking.  Take beano for veggie-burps, Lact-aid for ice cream burps, and avoid carbonated beverages.  Eat and drink VERY SLOWLY.\n\nIf you have to hella burp like a son-o-gun you need to go to the bathroom.  Even if the hella burp is every 30 minutes.
137809
Use a sh*t (caca) cataplasm.  I know it sounds gross but, hey it works!
947846
Flame thrower.Be care full not to fart at the same time.
489845
This one is absolutely wonderful. Take clear plastic wrap and open the toilet lid stretch it across the toilet and get all the wrinkles out and put the lid down. When your house mate goes to pee they will get a nice warm bath on there backside and that will be followed by a few choice words for you. While they are in the bathroom take more plastic wrap and stretch it across the doorway to the bathroom at face height and tape it up nice and tight. If you talk to your friend while they are in there mention the big A.S.S. spider you just saw run out from under the bathroom door. This sets the subliminal spider message and when they walk out and get a face full of plastic they will only think giant A.S.S. spider and freak like totally out and run over stuff trying to get the plastic off there face.\nGood Luck!!
198771
Well, the Smell that They really Dislike is "Fluffy", the Kitty Cat! But, since You want Them to Fly [away, leave] and not Die, That's not an Option for You, right? Okay, would you Consider a Non-Lethal Audio Approach? The Right type of Sound, Inaudible to You, would solve the Problem. Go to www.amazing1.com  They have some of the Coolest High Tech Gadgets anywhere. Do You have a Friend that's into Electronics? It would be much less Expensive to Mail Order whatever Rodent Router Device You need in Kit Form. Just Remember, by not putting "Fluffy" to Work, You'll be passing Your Problem off to Someone Else!
1028586
My wife would probably abuse me and tell me I am a smelly so and so, however on that note, everyone must fart, otherwise the consequnces could be much worse than a few minutes of bad air........ COLIC would have to be one of the most non fatal crippling pains known to mankind ..... It's better to fart a little, than to keep it in and become a cripple :)\n\nIf you are going to Fart real loud .... make sure you done have any follow through, other wise this is a Shart not a fart, and is considered very embarrasing, and the wife wont be to impressed when she has to try and get the product of your SHART out in the wash.
1074875
I would suggest, and it is only a suggestion, that you stop breathing in your farts in the shower.  You sound like you've got a lot more problems than just bad breath.
1038499
Dear Lord!  This one is worse than "How do I know he really loves me?" or even "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"\n\nOK girls, here's what us guys do when we use the toilet.\n\n1)  Enter the bathroom\n\n2)  Look at the toilet (this is the part women seem to have the most trouble with)\n\n3)  If lid is down, put it up.  If it is up, continue\n\n4)  If seat is down, out of courtesy to those who will sit after you, put it up.  If it is up, continue\n\n5)  Flush when finished - wash hands\n\n6)  Leave Bathroom\n\n\nNow, for you poor unfortunate ladies, a slight adjustment to step 4 is all that is required.  Somehow, I think you can probably handle that.  \n\nNow could you please find something else to bit*h at men about ?
362509
I would have to say farting in front of my wife... she really gets annoyed by that. I proably need to stop doing that.
636193
sit on the toilet and SQUEEZE!!!!!!!!!
765575
try a steam shower that will help break up the mucus and relive the pressure
1145773
i got a better question what's the best way to get into your pants